Sober Dolly

444 days.That’s it. It has been 444 days since I last consumed any alcohol, took a drink, imbibed (as long as you don’t count that sauce that came with scallops which I devoured and later discovered had whisky in it!)
My sobriety has been the thing that I have received the most private messages about: why did you do it, how do you do it, how did people respond, can you still have fun?

Now, let’s get this clear, I was no Sue-Ellen* to start with, pouring whisky from a decanter into my cut crystal tumbler when I got home from work. In fact, I only drank occasionally (which coincidentally, is what many sober-curious people claim to do in their messages to me) but when I drank, I DRANK. I mean, I drank and pole danced on lamp posts in the street, I drank and got into strangers cars, I drank and lost a shoe, I drank and could not remember getting home.
I was actually a fun drunk – cheery, happy and often to be found in the toilets of the pub/bar/club dishing out advice to younger girls on relationships/make up/life choices: much like a modern-day Claire Rayner*.
But I didn’t always make good choices when inebriated (see Exhibit A – “getting into strangers cars”.) Then there was the recovery: not just the physical, but the emotional. Waking up with a sore head, cut knees and a sense of dread. What had I said/done and to/with whom. The anxiety when waiting for replies to messages from friends seeking reassurance. Resentment towards the physical recovery time also grew: I can’t afford to spend days recovering from a Friday night out before I was back at work on Monday. My vanity also was a factor: the redness of my eyes, my dull skin and lack lustre hair (although the latter is still much the same post-pissed-Dolly.)
So what made me take the first step? Whilst things looked pretty good on the outside, I was experiencing increased levels of anxiety. I felt overwhelmed at work, found decision making in my personal life a challenge. And I began to notice that when I drank, it was to unwind and escape from these feelings of dis-ease.

​I am often to be found playing with children and dogs at parties instead of downing shots…

DOLLY

I quietly decided I would give no alcohol a whirl, not telling many people (I couldn’t stand the disappointment in their faces). I pretended I was on antibiotics: that threw them off the scent for a while. The reactions ranged from positive and supportive “Yeah, good for you!” to complete despair “Noooooooo, you have to have a drink!” Initially the negative comments greeted me like a slap in the chops more frequently than the supportive ones. At times I wondered whether it would have been easier to feign a catastrophic life event just to be let off the hook.
444 days in, I have found different ways to navigate social situations: from festivals to baby showers, house parties, picnics, birthdays, new year, Christmas, I’ve marked deaths, celebrated lives and births, new homes, beach parties, pool parties and book launches. At times I still can feel like an outsider being sober in certain social gatherings: I am often to be found playing with children and dogs at parties instead of downing shots, washing up and helping out instead of holding court at the bar. Conversations can dry up quicker than they used to when I am surrounded be people who are drinking. At times I have felt “boring” and on the periphery of the cool kids for sure. To be honest, I have had some dull nights out being sober but there are many positives too…

Sober sex is a revelation!

DOLLY

I have reframed those niggling doubts: Nothing to lose, everything to gain.
My weekends are longer, my mornings start earlier, my head is clearer, I am more decisive, less anxious, my worries are fewer, my skin is clearer, I’m saving money, I’m cycling more, my lists are more ambitious, I am less tired, I am more creative and sober sex is a revelation!
I have enjoyed some wild nights out that have ended with pots of tea in Soho at 3am: joy-filled and beautiful nights out dancing until dawn. My friends, family and loved ones have been so supportive.
How long will I do this? I don’t know: it was my decision to quit booze and will be my decision if I take a drink again. For now, the pros are outweighing the cons and that’s good enough for me.
I am finding new things to give meaning and purpose to my life: maybe it’s just distraction but open water swimming (without a Dry Robe – I haven’t lost my mind!) at dawn once a month makes me feel alive – in fact not drinking alcohol makes me feel alive. I feel the highs and the lows of life: every single one and my senses are not dulled. Self-medicating with alcohol is not on my agenda (for now).
Wherever you are on your journey, remember there is no ‘normal’. Your relationship with your body, your well-being: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually is for you to connect and stay in touch with.
Just do one thing for me: the next time someone tells you they aren’t drinking, meet them with love, an open heart and a warm smile!
Feel free to DM me if you have any comments or questions and if you’re interested, look up the many sober accounts on Instagram and Twitter that chime with you.
*References will make sense to anyone born between 1934 and 1978. All others must employ the services of Google to research.

lifestyle & relationships